Cancerous Answers to Cancerous Questions

Did you know that you were going to be told you had cancer this time? Like did you have any kind of feeling like it was back or did your body feel different? Or was it totally a surprise to you? - Liz

On night during this past January I was awaken by a very bad pain on the lower side of my left chest. It had been roughly five months since my last chemotherapy treatment in Aug. 2010. I was not too concerned with the pain at first because I was just started to be active again. I started running, playing sports, and being more active (compared to being a cancer patient where you get winded walking up a flight of stairs.)

I just assumed the pain was the fake half of my left diaphragm that was just being stretched out due to the increased physical activity. After about a month of dealing with the near constant pain I decided to go to talk to my Utah cancer doctor to get some pain meds to hold me over until I had my scans in March.

Since the pain had lasted so long I thought something might be up, but just blew it off hoping that my rationale of it being my diaphragm was correct.
What graduate program? –Danna

I will be starting the Mass Communications master program and Brigham Young University starting Aug. 29th 2011.

Where are you doing treatments now? –Kelsey

I am receiving chemo treatments at the Utah Valley Medical Hospital in Provo on the corner of Bulldog and 500 West. It is in the main lobby where the big revolving door is. It is called Utah Cancer Specialists. You are all invited to attend during any of my chemo treatments.

I will also be receiving radiation treatments down in San Diego in late June.
Kelsey also asked this great question: What's the one treat that still sounds good after a bout of chemo?

Although I do not eat a whole lot immediately following chemo, some treats that I do enjoy are white chocolate macadamia nut cookies, funfetti cake, Mothers Circus Animal Cookies, Blue Gatorade, and Beef Jerky (The jerky gets me the protein during my lack of eating full meals.) However, I am open to trying any homemade baked good (especially if it is from scratch.) I probably spent more time on this question than I should have.

The Last Question for this go-around:

How do you really feel about this? Is it scary? Is it just normal? Are you upset about it? More upset that its round 3 and you have already had to do it twice? Do you really just take everything as it comes and just like go with it? I suppose I am a girl and am interested in more emotions about this. Not that you haven't shared any just that my brain works like this

This is a very loaded question. How do I really feel about this? Well, I must admit that I was not excited about winning the cancer raffle for the third time; however I am not bitter, scared, or upset. I have done a lot of meditating during my second and third time of fighting this ugly cancer disease and I have come to the conclusion that I have been reluctant to share due to the lack of happy thoughts that it contains, but here it is.

Sorry for the change in font the computer is being funny(I did not change it for dramatic effect)

I HAVE REACHED THE CONCLUSION THAT I AM A LIFER. I HAVE ACCEPTED THAT I WILL PROBABLY NEVER BE CURED OF CANCER AND THAT I WILL BE FIGHTING THIS FIGHT FOR A VERY LONG TIME. I KNOW THIS MAY BE HARD FOR SOME OF YOU TO READ, BUT I HAVE COME TO TERMS WITH IT. I HAVE REACHED THE POINT WHERE I WILL CONTINUE TO FIGHT THE FIGHT TO THE VERY END AND ENJOY LIFE ALONG THE WAY.

I AM EXCITED TO LIVE A FULL LONG LIFE IT WILL JUST BE VERY DIFFERENT THAT THE NORMAL. I WILL HAVE TO BALANCE SCHOOL, WORK, FRIENDS, AND FAMILY ALONG WITH DOCTORS, TREATMENTS, DRUGS, AND SICK WEEKENDS.

NOW PLEASE DON’T BE SADDENED BY THIS ANSWER I AM JUST TRYING TO BE OPEN, HONEST, AND LET MY UNCENSORED THOUGHTS BE HEARD. MY HESITANCY TO WRITE THIS HAS BEEN FOR MY FAMILY, BECAUSE I DO NOT KNOW HOW FAR THEY HAVE COME TO GRIPS WITH WHAT THE FUTURE HOLDS FOR ME.

I AM AT PEACE WITH IT AND WILL NEVER STOP LIVING LIFE TO THE FULLEST EVEN IF IT IS JUST WATCHING DEAR JOHN WITH AN APARTMENT FULL OF GIRLS, WORKING GRAVEYARD SHIFTS, OR LAYING IN BED ALL WEEKEND REBOUNDING FROM A ROUGH CHEMOTHERAPY TREATMENT. I KNOW THERE IS A TOMORROW AND THAT IT WILL BE BETTER AND THAT I AM SURROUNDED BY PEOPLE WHO LOVE ME.

MY FUTURE IS BRIGHT, I START GRADUATE SCHOOL IN THE FALL AND HOPE TO CONTINUE ON TO OBTAIN A PHD. AND BE A COLLEGE PROFESSOR SO THAT I CAN PASS ON SOMETHING WORTHWHILE TO THOSE WHO COME AFTER ME. PLEASE DO NOT FEEL SAD OR SORRY FOR ME, BECAUSE I DO NOT HAVE THESE FEELINGS FOR MYSELF.

CANCER CANNOT STOP THAT! CANCER ALTHOUGH HAS BEEN THE MOST ANNOYING THING TO EVERY HAPPEN IN MY LIFE IT HAS ALSO BEEN THE GREATEST THING, BECAUSE AT THE YOUNG AGE OF 16 I WAS ABLE TO GAIN A PERSPECTIVE THAT TAKES MOST PEOPLE YEARS EVEN DECADES TO GAIN. LIFE IS TOO SHORT TO LIVE IN FEAR, BITTERNESS, OR RESENTMENT. IT IS A WASTE OF TIME; EVERYONE HAS PROBLEMS THEY ARE DEALING WITH.

MY TWO MOTTOS THAT I HAVE DEVELOPED SINCE MY INITIAL DIAGNOSIS WHEN I WAS 16 YEARS OLD ARE:

1. SOMEONE ALWAYS HAS IT WORSE THAN YOU.

2. WHAT IS THE POINT OF EXTENDING LIFE IF YOU ARE NOT GOING TO LIVE IT.

I AM EXCITED ABOUT MY CANCEROUS FUTURE (HOWEVER I WAS HOPING THE WHOLE RAPTURE THING WOULD HAVE WORKED OUT.)

THANKS FOR SUBMITTING YOUR QUESTIONS AND FEEL FREE TO CONTINUE TO SUBMIT THEM AND CONTINUE TO ASK ANY QUESTION YOU WANT. I AM VERY OPEN AND WILLING TO ANSWER ANYTHING. (HOPEFULLY THIS POST HAS SHOWN THAT.)

Thanks again for all the love and support. I love you all! Hopefully this is not to much information.